since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
