The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
