Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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