i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
this beer tastes like vomit already
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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