someone threw a dead crab at me
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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