I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
