True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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