i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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