Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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