Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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