Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
