I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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