Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
