woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
