did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
