My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize