so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
