Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
