Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
