he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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