Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
