I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
