Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
