Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
