my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
