i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
