I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I could fuck to npr.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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