There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
