Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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