Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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