I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
