I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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