HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
