I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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