Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
i out mim tonsoeep
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