it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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