I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
