I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
