But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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