my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
