Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
