Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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