im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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