chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
