Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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