The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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