So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
