I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
