i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
