Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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