I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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