i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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