Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize