Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
