Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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