just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
