Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
