If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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