The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just pee around me
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
