I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
