he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
