even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
