If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
