o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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