i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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