Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
she pinky promised me she was 18
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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