Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
